This article is part of the Manager’s Guide series. To read other articles in this series, please go to the main blog page, click the filter button, and select the Manager’s Guide category.
Q: What should I do if I have a conflict with a work colleague?
A: There are four things you should do, i.e.,
1. You Must Listen Hard.
Do:
Pay attention.
Listen before you talk.
Know and figure out what's wrong.
Use your ears, eyes, and heart to listen.
Find out what the people you work with think are the most important things you can do.
Don't:
Talk first, then listen.
Not listen at all.
Think you know what's most important to other people.
Think you know everything or have all the answers.
Listening but not getting it.
Listening only to figure out what to say next.
Only caring about your own plans.
Pretending to listen.
Say:
What I think I hear you say is...
Let me make sure I understand what you're trying to say...
Let's figure out what the group is trying to say...
Is there anything else you would like to say?
You feel [[unhappy, energized, annoyed, discouraged, baffled, spiteful, angry, confused, surprised, unsure, excited, etc.]] about the [[content, topic, or meaning of what is being said]].
First, I want to understand your point of view, and then I'll explain mine.
2. You Must Show Respect.
Do:
Really cared about other people.
Show you care.
Give everyone (regardless of their position) the respect they deserve.
Show respect to everyone, including those who can't help you.
Do small acts of kindness.
Don't:
Not care about other people or show any respect for them.
Fake caring: acting like you care when you don't.
Respecting or caring about some people (those who can help you) but not others (those who can't).
Try to be efficient when talking with other people.
Say:
I admire and respect you.
I'm glad we get to work together.
Thanks for everything you do.
You're awesome at...
One thing I like about you is...
What do you think?
How do you feel?
Tell us what you think.
You have a different view of things. I need to hear you out.
I respect your position/authority/ strong opinion on this.
3. You Must Be Honest and Straight.
Do:
Be truthful. Tell the reality.
Be clear about your position.
Talk in plain words. Call things as they are.
Display integrity.
Don't:
Lie. Deceive.
Alter the truth. Withholding details. Influence people.
Use business jargon, avoidance tactics, double-talk, and flattery.
Twisting the truth (manipulating, positioning, and posing).
Create false impressions (by stating the facts, but in a misleading way).
Say:
This is how I see things...
This is something I really care about...
Here's what I think we should do...
As far as I can tell, these are the facts...
From my point of view...
I value our relationship and want to be honest with you...
I want to be candid with you...
Let me tell you what I've observed...
Here's what I've learned/understood...
4. You Must Protect Others.
Do:
Give other people credit.
Talk about people as if they were in the room with you.
Speak up for people who can't speak for themselves.
If you have to talk about others, make sure your intent is clear and justified.
Kill gossip immediately.
Don't:
Let people down / betray people.
Having two faces: it looks like you're giving credit to other people when they're there, but when they're not, you downplay their role and take the credit yourself.
Talking nicely to people in front of them but saying bad things about them behind their backs.
Gossiping. Share private information about other people.
Say:
I'd like to thank [[name]] for this achievement.
You did a great job. I'll make sure that [[name]] knows about it.
Thank you so much for your great help.
When this person is here, we should talk about this.
I'd rather talk to her face-to-face than talk about her.
How should we talk to this person about what's going on?
What is in this person's best interest?
It sounds like you need to talk straight to [[name]].
Comments